5 reasons grief can be really confusing
Feeling confused by your grief? You're not alone. Our Bereavement Support Team share some reasons why it can be confusing.
Although our brains are amazing, sometimes they take a while to catch up with such a massive life event. It might sound strange, but it’s common to forget for a moment that your important person has died, or to think you see them in the street, or feel their presence very strongly. Often these moments happen less over time, but they can take you by surprise many years after the bereavement. Children only really start to understand what death means by the age of 5, and even as adults the idea of someone being dead forever is difficult to truly get to grips with. Grief can also make you start thinking deeply about very heavy subjects that you may not have considered before, like ‘what is the meaning of life?’ and ‘what happens when you die?’. Philosophers and great thinkers like Aristotle have been grappling with this for centuries, so don’t expect any easy answers. Sometimes journalling or free writing can help untangle some of these thoughts - this is where you doodle or write without thinking with no intention of showing it to anyone.
All bereavements are incredibly hard, and sudden or traumatic bereavements can be particularly difficult to process. You might find that you have having very vivid, distressing memories or physical symptoms like your heart beating very fast or feeling ‘frozen’. If this is the case for you, it would be good to check in with your GP to talk this through, as there are specific treatments that can be helpful to cope with this.
You can feel fine one moment, desperate the next and then start laughing at something silly. You might feel really happy about something you’ve achieved, then devastated that you can’t share your news with your loved one. Sometimes you can feel a deeper connection to the world and people you love, the next moment you can feel like literally no-one understands you. You can find it really hard to remember the person who died for a while, and then every single little thing reminds you of them. Grief is a messy and unpredictable process that can make your head feel all over the place, and being kind and patient with yourself along the way will go some way to help you cope with the tough days.
Often young people tell us about vivid and painful dreams about the person who died, particularly in the first year. A common theme is that the person who died has come back to life or never actually died in the first place. There can be an agonising few seconds after you wake up where you think it’s true, and that is a lot to have to deal with before you even get out of bed. Some people find these dreams almost unbearable, and this stops them from wanting to go to sleep at all. Others hope the dreams never stop because it makes them feel closer to the person who has died. This could be your brain trying to find ways to help you in a time of great pain. Sometimes writing about dreams can help, or telling someone you really trust and know will listen. Although it might be tempting to distract yourself by scrolling or gaming to avoid going to sleep, in the long term being tired can actually make grieving a lot more confusing. Our bereavement support team have shared some tips about sleeping and winding down here.
It could be that someone in your family is grieving the same person as you but in a totally different way, and this can feel bewildering and make you question yourself (and them). Some people take a long time to feel their feelings, others might feel lots of emotions straight away. Some people cry most days, others don’t shed a tear for years. There are as many ways of grieving as there are people in the world, so just because you’re grieving differently from someone else doesn’t mean that anyone is doing it ‘wrong’.
Young people tell us that sometimes they are overwhelmed by the kindness and support from people around them. A thoughtful email from a tutor, a hug from your friend’s mum, someone dropping off a lasagne- it can all really help. Unfortunately, it might not be the people you expect who show up for you, and this is majorly confusing. Friends can keep their distance because they don’t know what to say, or people don’t mention the person who has died to you because they don’t want to upset you (as if you’re not upset already!) Sometimes your friends will not understand what you’re going through and will expect you to be ‘over it’ in a few months. This can feel really disorientating considering the huge life change and big feelings you are trying to cope with. What can help when friends are being weird is reaching out to people your age who have been through the same thing- or try listening to the Grief in Common podcast, where other young people share their similar experiences of coping with this kind of thing.
Whether you’re struggling with your feelings, not sure how to express your thoughts or trying to find ways to remember your person who has died, we have lots of ideas to help.
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