When I heard that Winston’s Wish was looking for people to contribute pieces on ‘pre-bereavement’, it was the first time that I had heard the term. A quick internet search and a short discussion with some Winston’s Wish staff informed me that pre-bereavement was the feelings associated with bereavement before one is bereaved. I’m not usually a fan of jargon, but pre-bereavement accurately encapsulates the feelings and behaviour I was going through before my mum died back in 2020.
My coping mechanism for anger
I was 22, living and studying abroad at the time and coming home every other week to see my mum, who was non-responsive at the time, well aware of what the outcome of her condition was going to be. There would be regular moments during this period when I would just get so angry but I usually misattributed it to something else going on in my life at the time, not realising that it was pre-bereavement in motion.
Working out became my coping mechanism for this anger and I spent many hours each week in the gym’s studio, listening to loud music, sweating profusely and exerting my body in an intensity it hadn’t gone through before because it temporarily quelled the negative feelings from my mind. This wasn’t the worst coping mechanism I could have chosen, but I think substituting some of the workouts with some more passive therapy such as official counselling or gentle aerobic workouts would have been a good idea.
When pre-bereavement turned into bereavement
The university provided me with a “counsellor”, but due to some issues with me being a foreign student, they weren’t very well trained in bereavement and the sessions were never that satisfying.
When mum died the following year and pre-bereavement turned into bereavement, I didn’t really experience anger again. It was during the Covid lockdowns and all the gyms had shut, so I didn’t have the option for workouts anyway. But my love for running came back and that became my new, gentler and more therapeutic coping mechanism.
Right now, there’s not much in life that appeals less to me than going to a gym to work out, but a (different) counsellor once suggested that the reason I had the energy to go to the gym five times a week for an all-consuming workout may be that I was using my anger as an energy source. It certainly felt like that.
In a way, I think pre-bereavement is just one of the stages of bereavement for those of us who experience the drawn-out process of losing someone. My pre-bereavement was characterised by anger, searing and blinding at times, misdirected towards incidental people and events going on in my life. In hindsight, it was all just grief and pre-bereavement, and I think that knowing at the time that this was just part of the grieving process would have provided me with much-needed comfort.
Bereavement support tips for those who identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community. Tap the live chat button or scroll down to find ways to contact Winston's Wish for further support.
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