How to cope with your first Christmas without your person - Youth Team
Three of our Youth Ambassadors, Anna, Libby and Angharad, reflect on their first Christmas without their person.
Some of our Youth Team wanted to share about their own personal experiences of secondary losses as an effect of their grief. Read about Daisy, Freya, and Katie below. If you’d like some bereavement support guidance about secondary losses and how to manage them, please read more here or contact us using our on-demand services (information at the end of this page).
"Hi, I'm Daisy and I am 13 years old. I lost my dad due to alcoholism. I want to talk about how secondary losses have affected me, and how I feel and manage them.
One example of a secondary loss I experienced is that my dad used to take me to dance class every Saturday. He would drop me off and pick me up and now that he's gone, he can't take me anymore. I had quit dance classes before he died, but I will always remember our conversations in the car and how at the end of my dance lesson he used to watch me for a bit. Unfortunately, I never joined another dance class, but I still dance in my room to songs that remind me of him. I always thought of us having a good dance at my wedding someday and I will forever be sad about that. I like to think that on my actual wedding day he will still be dancing along, just not beside me.
Another example that I have experienced and will miss is my dad making a roast dinner on Christmas Day. He always made the best potatoes known to mankind and I would give anything to try them one last time (I am so, so angry that he didn't leave the recipe). Now, my grandad and auntie normally make the roast dinner and it is still amazing, but not as AMAZING as my dad's cooking. I think my sister picked up my dad's skill in cooking, I'm not a big fan of cooking myself and am more of a fan of eating the food!
Talking about dancing has made me question what clubs I could be part of now, it’s encouraged me to have a think and start something new. These secondary losses have made me feel sad, happy, and angry all at the same time. Sad because he isn’t here to take me places in the car anymore, happy because I have memories of some good times we had, and angry that he’s not here to cook for us on Christmas Day. I also want to talk about how I have managed dealing with all these emotions. Whenever I'm having a bad day and I’m thinking about my dad, I like to focus on good memories and look at photos of me and him together. This helps to put me in a good mood, makes me feel happy that I got to experience these good times with him, and reminded me I can cherish these special moments. Sometimes, I like to read my book and get distracted by escaping my own thoughts and thinking about someone else's, but I also think it's important for me to process my feelings and talk about them.
I want to finish by saying that I hope I have helped someone else by explaining what my secondary losses of grief are and talking about how I deal with them."
"In my personal experience with grief, secondary loss took form as individuals who we initially thought would be pillars of support, not doing so. I frequently think about the metaphor of the ‘grief train’. Once it leaves its first station, more and more people get on and rally round to support you, then as the journey continues the majority of people get off at the funeral, many who you didn’t expect, and those who stay on the train are those who still support you months and years later when the reality hits. When my dad died, I thought wholeheartedly that this would be a turning point for some relationships in my life, that people would step up to support me and my mom and try their best to fill the dad-shaped hole in my life.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case, instead, some family members and close friends got off at the funeral stop. This added another layer of grief, one I still grieve now. I grieve for those lost relationships or idealised versions of those relationships I once naively had.
The other side of secondary loss for me is the loss of security, the loss of our future together, the loss of our happy family structure and the loss of the years of my life that were untouched by this immeasurable loss. I grieve the little things, seeing him asleep on the sofa every afternoon, the way he would laugh at his own jokes before he could even tell them, and the way he would always tap his feet to music. I grieve the future I should have with him by my side, the wedding he will never be there for, the grandchildren he will never meet and the achievements I will never be able to tell him about.
Through these secondary losses, I try to stay positive and think about what I do have, and the relationships that have been strengthened by this loss, friends who have stepped up and supported me, and my mom. My grief has taught me the importance of appreciation and although many have walked out of our lives when we needed them most, many took a step closer to us and that is something I’m very thankful for.
Personally, what helps me when I am struggling with my grief is watching videos of my dad or listening to music he liked. His music used to echo through the house, listening to it now brings me back to that feeling of safety and comfort that I had when he was here. It reminds me of how lucky I was to have him as my dad and how I carry him with me every day through my memories and interests."
"I’ve experienced a collection of various secondary losses, which were both immediately noticeable and have had a continual effect on me. The inevitable change that occurs in relationships with other family members, in my experience, can feel like a part of each of them has died too. Initially this might present in more straight forward ways, like a loss of happiness and/or positive emotions, but on a deeper level so much more was taken away from me alongside the initial trauma.
I can only speak from my own experience, but I undoubtedly felt like I lost parts of my mum, sister, and brother when my dad died. I didn’t even experience this as a gradual realisation, but it felt as sudden as the actual, tangible death of my dad. From what I understand, this is very common with parental loss and grief, especially in young families. Though the significant changes in family members and relationships tend to be the most emotionally impactful, I believe secondary losses can occur in many forms.
Some of the other secondary losses I experienced include comparatively trivial things such as losing my weekly Sunday swimming session with my dad, to the more serious losses such as that of the potential for healthy mental development. As a teenager, I often believed I would have grown up with greater self-confidence if I had my dad to tell me I was doing great at school or to come and support me at my sports matches. I also felt like I was missing out when I saw my friends’ dads hug them when they pick them up from school, or when I saw two parents with their kids.
I believe there are countless forms of secondary loss, and everyone will experience these differently. It is a sad part of grief and childhood loss and is perhaps understandably overlooked by others caring for and those sharing your environment when you’re grieving. For me, a really important part of managing my secondary losses has also been to make sure I’m always able to express my feelings whenever I need to. Whether this means directly speaking about them, or through exploring my creativity, playing sports or listening to music, all of which give me the space and inspiration think about deeper thoughts."
If you need to talk, we’re here to listen. You can speak to the Winston’s Wish bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. You can chat with us anonymously if you wish and share whatever you are feeling. Nothing about your grief is off limits. We promise to listen, not judge and can offer advice and guidance if needed. You can speak to us as little or as often as you want.
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Three of our Youth Ambassadors, Anna, Libby and Angharad, reflect on their first Christmas without their person.
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