When you’re grieving, winter and Christmas time can be difficult. Colder and shorter days, more time spent indoors, and it can feel like you’re surrounded by memories of the person who has died. You might even feel guilty for enjoying festivities and Christmas events because you're not thinking about them as much. Whatever you're feeling is normal, try not to be hard on yourself for having good days.
No two people grieve in the same way so you might find that different family members want to do different things. Some people might want to continue traditions and remember that person, while others may want to do something new and try not to think about them. It can help to talk things through together and decide what you are going to do so you can understand each other's thoughts. Remember to look after yourself during the festive season. If things become too much, find a way to take a breather.
You could mark the memory of the person who has died by doing something special and, if you celebrate, creating a new Christmas tradition. You could light a candle in their memory or visit a place that was special to them. Maybe buy or make a new decoration for your home – you could have one with their name on, a special message for them, or just one that you know is for them.
You could use this time to learn more about your important person. Ask other people for their memories of the person who died and begin to compile their ‘life story’. If family members are together over the Christmas break, it would be a good opportunity to record them by writing them down in your phone or a notebook. You could include Christmas memories, for example: ‘What was the worst or best present they ever gave you?’ ‘What was their favourite part of the day?’
The lead up to Christmas day can be daunting for those who would usually spent time with family. Try to honour your person by doing something they would have enjoyed or something you used to do together. Was there a film they always watched, a favourite song they used to listen to, or a Christmas food they always ate? You could continue these old traditions as a way to remember them.
It might feel weird but why not buy a present for the person who has died or write them a card. You could place it on their grave or a special place or keep it in your memory box. It’s also okay to buy something for yourself from them. Did they always buy you tickets for something, clothes or chocolate coins? Why not buy it for yourself as a way to remember them.
It can be difficult when the person you want to wish a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year to is no longer here. You can write a message to them on our wish wall this year and read the messages other people have left to their important people. It might help you feel less alone in your grief.
“One of the things I always find really helps is doing things you would do with that person at this time of year. The one that’s coming to mind right now is – me and my dad would’ve watched Die Hard, so that one’s definitely coming out.”
Conor
"Christmas doesn’t have to be something you dread after losing a loved one, you could incorporate something special like lighting a candle for the day in memory of their presence and remember they are with you."
Darcey
"If your person had special traditions at Christmas, continue them in honour of their memory, or create new ones to mark new beginnings. Christmas can still be a happy time even when somebody special is missing."
Maya
"This year, I decorated my mam’s memorial tree for Christmas for the first time. I’d never thought to do anything like this before and have always struggled at Christmas, which I imagine a lot of people do. It really made me feel close to my mam and like she was a part of our old Christmas traditions."
Molly
"Always put yourself first and allow the time to grieve. Don’t hide how you’re feeling because it’s Christmas but also because it is Christmas use it as a time to celebrate lost loved ones in a positive light. I always like to buy my dad a Christmas card and have a drink for him over the Christmas period :)."
Mackenzie
"One of the secondary losses that I have experienced and will miss is my dad making a roast dinner on Christmas Day. He always made the best potatoes known to mankind and I would give anything to try them one last time (I am so, so angry that he didn't leave the recipe). Now, my grandad and auntie normally make the roast dinner and it is still amazing, but not as AMAZING as my dad's cooking.”
Daisy
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